[This was written originally back in October to celebrate Eric Nam’s return to SLC as part of an entire album review of "House on a Hill" but I didn’t like it so I never posted. However, looking back I decided that I could still post part of it that I did like. Mostly because I love the depth of “I wish I wasn’t Me” and I felt like I had the most to say about it. If you guys want to read my analysis of the rest of the album let me know and I will post it.]
Track 4
“I Wish I Wasn’t Me”
Goodness, this song. There is a lot to unpack in this song despite it being fairly short lengthwise. Musically, this could be classified as a ballad. The piano is delicate and almost dreamlike while the percussion sounds are deep and dramatic, giving the song an anxious kind of tension. It’s a dark song that tries not to sound heavy, and Eric sang it with enough emotion to bring someone to tears. This song is written in a way that has layers in seemingly simple meanings, so I will break it down quite a bit in order to contemplate all possibilities.
Quiet please, can someone turn my head down?
Can't sleep got the rhythm too loud
There are many references to sound in this song. In the first line, the statement “quiet please” could be directed to “someone” or to whatever noise is in the narrator's head. The second line mentions being unable to sleep because the “rhythm” is too loud. The rhythm could be referring to the previously mentioned noise in the narrator's head or could be referring to an actual musical rhythm. Personally, I believe rhythm and noise are both about thoughts. The clamor of thoughts, the frenzy and pace of racing thoughts. Everything is too loud or fast for the narrator to be at peace. This suggests anxiety, depression, or any number of other mental illnesses.
I'm barely keeping breath inside my body
Screaming to keep the darkness out
These two lines are connected by air- more specifically air from the lungs. Why is that important? Because this brings the idea of a living thing into play. “Breath” and “screaming” are things that deal with living things and they are circumstances that only come with being alive. They also provide a contradiction; the narrator can’t inhale but is screaming, which could be taken as they are screaming so consistently that they are immediately expelling air as soon as they inhale. Or that they are silently screaming, screaming to the point where there isn't any air left but they can't stop. This implies the idea of great distress or danger, potentially from the “darkness” they are trying to keep at bay.
But the monsters knock and I let them in
Fear and doubt are my closest friends
This part is interesting because despite screaming to ward off the darkness previously mentioned, the narrator is simply letting the “monsters” in. This line on its own implies a lack of resistance; the monsters can simply knock and be allowed inside. When combined with the next line, it can be further interpreted that the “monsters” are “friends” by the names of “fear and doubt”. This means that despite the previous distress and plea for peace, the narrator is so used to the monsters that they are considered friends. This makes me think of acceptance or wariness; being so tired of fighting that one simply accepts the monsters in their head. Or this could be toxic behavior and giving in to the monsters despite knowing you shouldn’t.
But let's give 'em show
Bring out the marching band
Hoping that no one can see
In psychology, masking is the act of hiding parts of oneself to better fit within social norms or conform to socially acceptable behavior. These three lines make me think of this and the habit of people with mental illnesses to hide it from everyone. If we are to assume that this song is about mental illness then “give em a show” could be about pretending to be okay even when you aren’t. This is supported by “hoping that no one can see” which also suggests shame. The “marching band” image suggests something loud, joyful, and celebratory. This could mean that the narrator feels the need to put on a mask like a marching band; a spectacle. Also, more sound imagery!
When the curtains are closed
I'm alone in an empty room
Wishing that I wasn't me
'Cause sometimes I wish I wasn't me
I wish I wasn't me
This chorus is so sad. Obviously, it’s a sad song but the straightforwardness of the chorus somehow makes it more tragic. “When the curtains are closed” meaning when the “show” has ended and whatever mask the narrator put on can come off. There is some debate on what “I wish I wasn’t me” is about. It could be in reference to Eric himself, his fame, and the persona he has created as a public figure. Or it could be about mental illness and how it is a common feeling to want to be outside of oneself to get away from the stuff in your head. Personally, I could see it as both. When tied to the rest of the song, I think the mental illness idea works better because it supports the wariness one can feel when dealing with mental illness. But it also could be a piece of Eric himself. It's a very human thing to simply not want to be ourselves now and then. To be anyone else for a day.
Listen a symphony of sadness
Playing softly in the corners of my mind
See I'm building these walls of validation
Too high for me to evеn climb
This verse is my favorite of the whole song. “Symphony of sadness playing softly in the corners of my mind” is such a powerful and beautiful line. At the beginning of the song, the narrator asked to turn down the noise in their head, and now we have a “symphony of sadness” playing in their mind. I really love all the sound diction in this song because they are primarily in reference to soundless things: thoughts, feelings, and actions. “Playing softly” is in contrast to the “loud” earlier, which could mean that it is a constant sound, like background music that occasionally becomes too loud.
The ”walls of validation” is an interesting metaphor. To validate something is usually a positive thing, to prove something's worth, but building walls is typically negative. So, we have walls to keep people out made out of self-worth? Truth? Then in conjuncture with the next line, these walls are not only keeping people out but keeping the narrator inside. Walls of truth that became a cage. The contradiction is honestly so poetic.
There is a cry within this song. In the lyrics, in the music, and how it is sung. It is a cry of hopelessness, pain, and wariness, which makes this song so powerful despite its simplicity.
I don't know if my ramblings made any sense but I hope you enjoyed this little breakdown of a beautiful song. This is my favorite song on the album and the one that immediately caught my attention on first listen. It's beautifully written, and I think anyone who has ever experienced any of the things depicted in this song could find some peace in knowing they aren't alone, and they aren't crazy. At least not any more than the rest of us.
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